Biblephobia
by Vicky Nabors
For the past week I’ve been haunted by, and pre-occupied with, the concept of awareness (I removed my rose colored glasses). I know that awareness is the key to maintaining peace at the core of my soul because awareness has presented itself to me many times throughout my life. And during those moments, I’d become conscious of many broken or unknown parts of my whole. Unfortunately, awareness is fleeting. It’s a state of alertness that is hard to retain; too much external and internal static in my mind. But, when I’m tuned into this higher sense of knowing it’s always life altering and liberating. But on the flip side, the reality of being 100% alert can be frightening, confusing, or even embarrassing.
During this Lenten season, I once again have become aware of many hidden aspects of all that I am, ‘The Vickster.’ And it is clear that God is orchestrating the timing and return of my awakening. It truly feels like I’m sitting in a classroom as He lectures from the textbook of my life. And since I’ve always been a good student, I’m paying close attention as my Creator the Ultimate Professor speaks.
This week, He focused on a new chapter from the textbook of my life. In it, I was made aware of something that caused me to question my position. I’ve refused to read the Bible for most of my adult life. But after some deep reflection and prayer, I sensed it was time to reconsider. I don’t have to discuss how deeply I’ve been hurt by people quoting Bible scriptures to condemn or oppress me. But I’ll tell you that it was so bad, I had no choice but to separate myself from it and the church (the only other recourse was death). I just wanted to be left alone. So, it stands to reason why I haven’t read the Bible in years. Still, this recent awareness, as presented to me by my Ultimate Professor, had me squirming in my seat uncomfortably – fear. I’m Biblephobic. I have a fear of the Bible.
My admitted awareness of this Biblephobia speaks to deeper fears and confusion. Twenty or more years ago, I grew afraid of studying the Bible any further because certain passages supported the notion that I was an abomination. I was confused – I didn’t know how to be anyone other than … me. And, I was angry because I didn’t ask to be born different. Ironically, being born into a family with lots of ministers and pastors, including my pastor mom, meant I lived and breathed the Bible. I learned the Bible, and I quoted the Bible. This book is not a stranger to me. It’s just that when I came into my own as a young adult, I felt like it betrayed me. I was confused and grew to fear it’s presence in my life.
This week’s awareness has alerted me to a recent change in my life. I have a new support system that sheds new light on that which I feared; and I can’t begin to tell you how wonderful that feels. Some years ago, I’d concluded that ‘God don’t make no junk,’ and that He was blessing me abundantly. And then I learned how to center myself in him daily; He was all I had. I never thought it possible to align myself with a (diverse) religious group who felt the same way. I especially never thought I’d find myself listening to sermon after sermon with a great sense of fulfillment (always hungry for more). I’ve always hated sermons, and avoided them at all cost. They represented the ugliness and pain of that book.
Awareness – I’m not going to say that my Biblephobia is no more as trust is a slow process; but, I am going to take that first step this week. I’ll let my Ultimate Professor show me where to start.
Amen.
Tags: Vicky
